Wednesday, March 1, 2017

All Clear For Takeoff!

Me and my dinosaur, "Federal"
I've been baptized. I'll stipulate that right off the bat. I don't remember it, but it must have served as a sort of inoculation, and I plan to bring it up if there's ever anyone at the velvet rope checking the list, just in case. Still, I'm aware that the ritual is not without controversy. There is a right way, and a wrong way. I don't like being dunked or even dribbled on, so if I had to choose I'd hope to get away with a quick spray, like when you spritz your perfume into the air and walk into it for a more subtle effect.

Fortunately, thanks to the internet, we have at our disposal a wonderful website with all the correct answers. I recommend it. ClarifyingChristianity is a one-stop over-the-counter dogma depot, dedicated to teaching you how to get right with the Lord and go to heaven. It covers everything but the bus schedule. According to this site, only full immersion is going to punch your ticket. And you can take this information to the bank because (a) total immersion is what is described in the Bible, and (b) the Bible is irrefutably, demonstrably true. Put (a) and (b) together and you're in for a dunking, sweetheart.

I have Federal, and my sister and father appear to have fossils
How do we know the Bible is accurate? They're glad you asked. For one thing, the Bible has a 100% record of prophecies coming true, especially if you count the ones that haven't come true yet but totally might, which is even more impressive. As they explain it, the Bible is really good at future predictions, which are the trickiest kind of prediction.

Also? There's science all over it. In fact, nothing in science has ever contradicted the Bible. For instance, Genesis referred to the number of stars and the amount of sand in the seashore as being equivalently large--and even today Scientists admit they do not know how many stars there are! But it's a lot!

And the Bible described the wind as going south and north and whirling around continuously--thousands of years before Science described the circulation in the atmosphere! And in Leviticus there is a description of blood as being valuable to life even though the circulatory system of the blood was not discovered until 1616! And in Genesis they describe everything that creeps upon the earth continuing according to its kind--well before the discovery of DNA! That's right. Thousands of years ago, the Bible said wind whips around, blood is important, and cattle invariably produce calves, and there's nothing in modern science to contradict any of it.

Inseparable and coexisting
But nothing in the Bible is more exciting from a reality and accuracy standpoint than the mention of dinosaurs. Yes, three kinds of dinosaur were described in the Bible: the Tanniyn, the Behemoth, and the Leviathan. The Leviathan also breathed fire. And lest this strike anyone as unlikely, be it known that there exists, even today, a Central American beetle that blows fire out its own butt, so the technology is totally there, only with the dinosaur it was way bigger and out the front end. And many dinosaur skulls have been found that contain unexplained empty passages which could totally have been gas tanks. It only makes sense. With me so far?

So, Bible-accuracy-wise, let's review: we have the gigantic scaly turned-around fire-farting superbeetle with the fuel tanks in its skull, and it coexisted with Man, because the Bible says it was created no more than one day before Man, and we've already determined the Bible is true. But where are the dinosaurs now? Well. They did make it onto the ark (which, by the way, was filled to only 1/3 capacity, because of the sheer number of cubits involved in its construction); the dinosaurs would have been a stretch, but it is assumed they were little baby ones, which ate less also. So where are they now?

Ah. Climate change. The very same climate change that has been happening for the whole 6000 or so years of the planet. That's what caused the Flood in the first place: the clouds were way bigger and denser in the olden times, and that canopy of big fat clouds caused a greenhouse effect that trapped more oxygen, and everyone was big and happy until God made the clouds fall down all at once for flooding purposes. And once the canopy of clouds had fallen down, the world instantly cooled down, evidence for which is easily obtained by looking at all the mammoths found frozen in place, "some of them with food still in their mouths."

So there you have it--all buttoned up. We did fine with half the oxygen we were used to, but the Leviathan couldn't manage it, and if you need further proof just look around and count the dinosaurs. Heh? See any? Thought so. Well I'm convinced.

I'm still going to try to make do with my original baptism though.

I didn't make any of this up. For further edification, visit clarifyingchristianity.com and prepare to be amazed.

38 comments:

  1. Still hung up on the dunking thing. When I was a kid at the beach we would throw people in the Delaware Bay on our birthdays. Not our ACTUAL day of birth because most of us couldn't swim until we were five or six. Not sure if we were doing it in the correct biblical way, though. The bad part was if you landed on a jellyfish.

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    1. Don't mention that. Someone is sure to think that introducing jellyfish into the baptismal font would be a good way of detecting the evil within.

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  2. I got baptized in Catholic church made of stone. That is good enough for me. Of course, I am not Catholic, but I can say I was baptized.

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    1. In a church made of stone. Built on a rock thy church doth stand, even when steeples are falling. I'd say you're in.

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  3. Well you do not disappoint me! So glad you got your crappy boyfriend back and are able to be always in uni and on time even while your attendance dropped. I'll leave this here in case anyone who currently does not have a virus wants to get one. Thanks!

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    1. Dear me...someone has a lot of optimism.

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    2. Curious the actual age, sex, and nationality of the author.

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    3. She could have avoided all that drama just by using some method of birth control. I don't understand how young women can screw up their lives by leaving such a life-altering thing to "luck" or "chance".

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  4. People need fiction, for some reason. I don't understand it. The universe is sufficiently amazing without it.

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    1. It's far more amazing than the fiction.

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  5. Sorry this is so long:

    It ain't necessarily so
    It ain't necessarily so
    The t'ings dat yo' li'ble
    To read in de Bible,
    It ain't necessarily so.

    Li'l David was small, but oh my !
    Li'l David was small, but oh my !
    He fought Big Goliath
    Who lay down an' dieth !
    Li'l David was small, but oh my !

    Wadoo, zim bam boddle-oo,
    Hoodle ah da wa da,
    Scatty wah !
    Oh yeah !...

    Oh Jonah, he lived in de whale,
    Oh Jonah, he lived in de whale,
    Fo' he made his home in
    Dat fish's abdomen.
    Oh Jonah, he lived in de whale.

    Li'l Moses was found in a stream.
    Li'l Moses was found in a stream.
    He floated on water
    Till Ol' Pharaoh's daughter,
    She fished him, she said, from dat stream.

    Wadoo ...

    Well, it ain't necessarily so
    Well, it ain't necessarily so
    Dey tells all you chillun
    De debble's a villun,
    But it ain't necessarily so !

    To get into Hebben
    Don' snap for a sebben !
    Live clean ! Don' have no fault !
    Oh, I takes dat gospel
    Whenever it's pos'ble,
    But wid a grain of salt.

    Methus'lah lived nine hundred years,
    Methus'lah lived nine hundred years,
    But who calls dat livin'
    When no gal will give in
    To no man what's nine hundred years ?

    I'm preachin' dis sermon to show,
    It ain't nece-ain't nece
    Ain't nece-ain't nece
    Ain't necessarily ... so !

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    1. Very nice earworm, thank you very much. "Li'l David" reminded me of a great cartoon I cut out one time because it belongs in THIS house. It's an old etching of David with his slingshot and Goliath standing there laughing at him, and the caption is "'Dave' is okay, but nobody calls me Shorty!"

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    2. I've seen that carton! It was in a newspaper once.

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  6. I was not baptised. But then, some have described me as a dinosaur.

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    1. Excellent party question: if you were a dinosaur what kind of dinosaur would you be? So many choices.

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    2. My ex always teased me about having short arms, so I'm gonna go with T. Rex.

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    3. I note you're not going with humility there, really!

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  7. Another excellent post. I hit the road when my denomination began preaching and teaching Biblical inerrancy. Couldn't take it. I bailed.

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    1. Inerrancy and infallibility are both such snores. How insecure do you need to be to want either one?

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  8. And a helpful link! Damn, chicka, you're a regular Murropedia. And bona fide, to boot.

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  9. But can Dr Ahmad bring back dinosaurs?

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    1. I nominate YOU to go to that link and find out. Heh heh.

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    2. According to my email inbox, she has put this on here FIFTEEN TIMES. I assume Google is sequestering them all for me somewhere.

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  10. holy crap...for a minute there I thought someone had copied an entire book of the bible onto your blog. Glad it was only spam.

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  11. Of course there are still dinosaurs! They are called birds now, and are much smaller and can fly. My parrots are always lording it over me, bragging about their ancestors being dinosaurs, while mine were apes. Sometimes they even derisively refer to me as a "monkey". But most of the time, they are benevolent overlords.

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    1. You know, for a long while there they were really, really big. There's a nifty way of tracking human movements across the globe: see when megafauna disappear off the face of the earth. We have 1,000-pound birds. They made yummy omelets. We ate them.

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  12. Now this a splendid two-fer! After reading about your immersion revulsion, we get the story of some chap called Ahmed (Hey! Trump - one's got in already!)who helps people who probably shouldn't still be using up oxygen.
    And the comments.Don't forget the leavening comments.

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    1. I can do without this particular two-fer--I'm a one-plus kinda gal. One is me, Plus is all y'alls. Not her.

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  13. Now I know why it's called "junk DNA", religious nuts, politicians and conspiracy theorists need the extra space.

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    1. I'm willing to give them all sorts of space. Somewhere the hell else. Not politicians so much. That can be a noble enterprise, if much maligned. Noble if devoted to others, less so if devoted to self.

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  14. I'll give that link a miss for now, I have more important things to read today, books on my kindle for example and more blog posts that I have got to yet. Being a Lutheran, you probably had the three small sprinkles of water on the forehead, for the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost, full immersion is usually the Baptist style as written in the Bible where John the Baptist took people down to the river and dunked them under. Some have you stand in knee high or waist high water and just dip your forehead, others lay you back over their arm and dunk you right down. I've seen it in movies, so it must be true.

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    1. I'm quite sure I was a three-drop girl. I saw it later with other squalling infants at the font. If I'd been dunked, even at one-month, I'm quite sure I would have remembered it to this day. Do Not Dunk Me. Do Not Even Spray Me With The Hose.

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  15. Wadoo, zim bam boddle-oo. As cogent as most of what I write. Chickens are very much little dinosaurs, particularly in flocks. Presbyterian baptism was of the 'sprinkling' variety, although it didn't take, apparently, for me. I never thought I might be able to trot it out as a calling card at The Pearly Gates, also a notion that didn't take.

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    1. See? You don't really know if it took or not, until that day you show up at the gates that don't exist, and then maybe you'll pass the test that isn't.

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  16. Have to admit it, those Christians lost me at the talking snake.

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